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|Monday, December 21, 2009|
I did not lose 10 pounds, learn French or save more for retirement. I did not call my mother more often, did not curb my iPhone app addiction and certainly came nowhere near being more forgiving and accepting of the weaknesses and irritating habits of others. And that promise to spend less time on Gawker? Crikey. I’m up to three hours a day now that Tiger News has gone 24-7.
The New Year’s resolutions I made 12 months ago are in a pathetic dead heap at my feet as 2010 rounds the bend. But hope springs eternal and I’m ready to make a new batch. Over at 43things.com, 84,659 people have made 172,613 resolutions. The top five: lose weight, be happy, fall in love, get a job, travel. Fall in love is a resolution? The serendipity of romance clearly is a last-century deal.
Anyway, goody for those 84,659 people, but I need to lower the bar. So I resolve to never step on a weight scale again, never say Avatar changed my life, and never utter the phrase “lipstick on a pig.”
While I’m at it, I’d like to offer these resolutions for a select few in a sincere attempt to make the world a better place.
Phil Knight: I will sell massive amounts of stock each year so that the state of Oregon can continue to ignore tax reform and count on me as a revenue stream.
Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg: I will make my medications, juvenile arrests, sex tapes and Social Security number public to “everyone.”
Gov. Ted Kulongoski: I promise I will create an overpriced special tax credit for every industry before I leave office.
Gov. Ted Kulongoski: I promise to leave office.
Bernie Madoff: I will never, ever again ask the guys in Cellblock B for lunch money.
Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein: I will change the assessment of my activities from “doing God’s work" to “being Satan’s bum boy.”
Portland Mayor Sam Adams: I resolve to just.stop.everything.
Portland Commissioner Randy Leonard: If Sam knocks it off, I’ll knock it off. Fingers crossed!
Portland Beavers owner Merritt Paulson: I will get out of sports, move to another town and sell snake oil to widows and orphans.
Chef Jamie Oliver: I will let my daughter Petal Blossom Rainbow sue me in court for name abuse as soon as she is old enough to know what I’ve done to her.
Portland singer Storm Large: I will take an indefinite hiatus from acting.
Ma, 2010 is gonna be better. I promise to call you this weekend right after I hit the gym.
Robin Doussard is Editor of Oregon Business.
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