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Dealing with difficult people

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Guest Blog
Friday, December 17, 2010

By Tom Cox

CEOs have to deal with difficult people all the time - and sometimes they themselves are the difficult ones. What are some proven ways to deal with difficult people?

To find out, I interviewed Pamela Cournoyer, founder and CEO of Communicate with CLASS. Pamela addresses conflict in ways that maintain honor and respect for all.

With a background of managing conflict that covers 17 years in law enforcement, Pamela related several stories from her time teaching conflict resolution in a hotbed of partisan conflict, Kosovo.

How much conflict is there in business?

Lots. Workplace surveys show the average worker is annoyed about ten times a day, and about 25% of workers experience anger at least once a day.

Then, we have very different communication styles, different assumptions and backgrounds.

This means we constantly have at hand the kindling for lighting the fires of conflict.

Pamela's background allows her to view workplace conflict in perspective, and that's the first guidance she offers: keep it in perspective. Realize that conflict is first and foremost in our minds.

For example, we imagine "You didn't put paper in the printer because you knew I was going to need it." Or, "You said hello to Joe and you didn't say hello to me, and that proves you're mad at me." Not everyone does this, however many of us do assume the worst -- we assume negative intentions, we assume malice. And now we're creating a conflict in our minds, and that becomes a real conflict in the workplace.

How am I contributing?

The first thing Pamela recommends we do actively is to look at how each of us is contributing to the conflict -- any contribution at all, including having conflict-feeding beliefs or assumptions. This is a highly empowering tool because as soon as you see how you're contributing, you can immediately change it. You don't have to make others change, or wait for them to change.

Learn to ask -- Who am I? How do I respond to irritations? What are my patterns of thought and behavior? How do my patterns contribute to the conflicts I'm experiencing? Once you begin to see the pattern, you can start to unlock your contributions and step out of the pattern. Then you can eliminate many of the conflicts you are unwittingly helping create or maintain.

When did I do that?

Another technique is to ask, "When did I ever do what they are doing?" When someone else takes the last drop of coffee and doesn't make a new pot - or drives too slowly in the fast lane - I ask whether I ever did anything similar, and why. When I realize I've done it too, I start to forgive them and they stop irritating me. If you can't go that far, then at least send a blessing. When you send the blessing you help keep your own head in a positive place.

Learn to Coach Conflict Resolution

When two of your subordinates are the ones in conflict, the most vital thing you as a manager can do is listen. And you need to listen much more deeply than you normally do.

Pamela is frequently called in to "hot" conflicts, and it always is caused or made worse by inadequate listening. You need to hear the intention. When you don't hear the positive intention - when you perceive disrespect - you get sucked into conflict.

When you listen in depth, it's much more than just about the words people are using. "It's never what people are saying - it's what's underneath." (See this article on listening or listen to the interview on listening.)

Listen to the full interview with Pamela Cournoyer here.

Contributing blogger Thomas B. Cox runs Cox Business Consulting, Inc. and is creator of the blog and web radio show Tom on Leadership, aimed at CEOs and business owners. He has worked with IBM, Oracle, Tektronix, ODOT, Intel and others.

 

Comments   

 
Bob Lieberman www.cultivatingcreativity.net
0 #1 NeedsBob Lieberman www.cultivatingcreativity.net 2010-12-18 18:37:29
Just putting a plug for listening to listening to NEEDS.

People will tell you a lot about their position (a bargaining stance), and their preferred outcome (a suggested course of action). But it takes some reframing and exploring to elicit what their real needs are. Frequently the conflicted parties have common needs and simply have arrived at conflicting approaches to meeting them.

When the conversations become safe enough (and that's the facilitator's job), people are usually willing to express their needs. It's just a small step from that vulnerable place to their being willing to collaborate on getting their needs met together rather than in conflict.

This may sound too simplistic, and yes there are conflicting needs, but you'd be surprised how narrow their scope is compared to the needs conflicted parties have in common.
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Bob Lieberman www.cultivatingcreativity.net
0 #2 Hey TomBob Lieberman www.cultivatingcreativity.net 2010-12-18 18:38:30
I commented and then saw who wrote this article! More for us to talk about now...
Bob
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