Sponsored by Oregon Business

Naked came the shorts

| Print |  Email
Saturday, November 01, 2008

I’VE BUILT THIS MONTH’S column out of a house of cards and it’s only a matter of time before the bubble bursts. My only hope of getting out of this bad metaphor with my investment intact is to sit tight, do nothing. Irrational exuberance has given way to irrational panic. I’m hiding under a TARP. All I want is to default-swap my toxic verbiage.

I could have made deadline and had something really interesting to say, but I was busy breaking the buck all weekend, taking Mark to market and painting the town with commercial paper. Then the naked shorts came by and who can concentrate with that kind of thing going on? I’m only human. I tried to reverse-auction my way out, but by that time the run on my creative bank was serious.


I invested heavily and early in toxic sub-prime ideas, hoping that I could fool my regulator, the managing editor, with some fast talk, and betting that in our deregulated newsroom, no one would be the wiser. We go on the honor system around here. Can you believe that? And frankly, my regulator is a member of the media, so how smart can he be? He’s one of those business journalists I’m blaming for my failure to perform even though he told me every day for almost two years what my deadline was. I happily ignored him. He trusted me. Who’s the schnook? I wouldn’t be in this shape if he had made sure I was following the Strunk and White rules. As soon as I can gather a like-minded media-hating crowd, we’re going to light the torches and chase him down Broadway.

The media is to blame for me missing deadline!


The Democrats are at fault! They said Fannie and Freddie were nice people, so I spent all weekend partying with them. But they trashed my house and stole my wallet and now I’m deleveraged up to my eyeballs with poor sentence structure and weak transitions.

The Republicans are to blame! If they had supported the first bailout vote, I wouldn’t have wasted all that time trolling end-of-the-world blogs. I could have written a column with unregulated adjectives, plenty of free-market associations and offshore banks full of rich hyperbole.

If only I could get a little more stimulus.

Yes, I know my column hasn’t had a good week, but I believe the fundamentals are still strong. I’ll face the TED spread with courage. I’ll take my lumps, downsize my ending paragraph, cut a few loser verbs, but I will not lose faith that the American people will forgive me for writing a column that is seriously derivative and artistically bankrupt. Who among us hasn’t faced a moral hazard and come back writing an even better narrative?

I’m thinking of writing my next column on Iceland. I hear they like exotic nouns and unsustainable plots. Sounds like my kind of reader.


More Articles

New green wood building product takes off in Oregon

Thursday, September 10, 2015
091115-cltjohnson-thumbBY KIM MOORE

Oregon is set to become a hub of a new type of wooden building design as a southern Oregon timber company becomes the first certified manufacturer of a high-tech wood product, known as cross-laminated timber, or CLT.


100 Best Nonprofits: Working for equality inside and out

October 2015
Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Striving for social equity is the mission of many nonprofits, and this year’s 100 Best Nonprofits to Work For in Oregon survey shows employees are most satisfied with their organizations’ fair treatment of differing racial, gender, disability, age and economic groups. But as a national discourse about racial discrimination and equity for low-income groups takes center stage, data show Oregon’s 100 Best Nonprofits to Work For still need to make progress on addressing these issues within their own organizations.


Aim High

September 2015
Thursday, August 20, 2015

We get the education we deserve.


More Than Meets the Eye

Guest Blog
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
Janet Yellen official Federal Reserve portrait-thumbBY JASON NORRIS | CFA

On September 17, the much anticipated Fed decision was delivered and the equity markets haven't liked it.


Up on the Roof

September 2015
Wednesday, August 19, 2015

In 2010 Vanessa Keitges and several investors purchased Portland-based Columbia Green Technologies, a green-roof company. The 13-person firm has a 200% annual growth rate, exports 30% of its product to Canada and received its first infusion of venture capital in 2014 from Yaletown Venture Partners. CEO Keitges, 40, a Southern Oregon native who serves on President Obama’s Export Council, talks about market innovation, scaling small business and why Oregon is falling behind in green-roof construction. 


One Tough Mayor

October 2015
Monday, September 28, 2015

Betty Roppe steers Prineville into the future.


The Cover Story

The Latest
Tuesday, October 06, 2015
100515-cover1015-news-thumbBY CHRIS NOBLE

As we worked on the October cover, it became evident that Nick Symmonds is a hard man to catch — even when he’s not hotfooting it around a track.

Oregon Business magazinetitle-sponsored-links-02